I have a problem with Authority. I have serious issues with authority figures like Dad, Bosses, More succesful Dickheads, and alpha males.
Why do I have a problem with Authority
I loved my dad, but he was someone who would say “No” to any thing i really wanted to have. He was a kid himself and there was only room for one kid in the house. He bought all the toys for himself (machineries, mercedes and toyota’s). As he indulged in his toys, there was no thought about indulging his kid. So anything I asked was met with a flat ‘NO”. He was not someone wordy, he just said “No”. As a 8/10 year old, I just went sad on hearing that “No” evverytime. But he was an authority figure, I can no courage (or understanding on how to) to question him on his decision.
But this led to a repression of desires, that when i took over the (his) business as a young man, i was already making him redendant. Someone times i would out talk him in front of important clients (and he would suffer silently). He couldn’t say much as I was managing the works for him, I was bringing him the money.
I think this must have been exteremely disturbing for him, I was now the alpha young male he had to compete with. He was so insecure that when he passed away. I was not authorised signatory or a joint account holder in any of the bank accounts. This was how insecure I had made the old man.
But he was from the silent generation and could never express his insecurities to me. I had become his biggest competitor inside and outside the house, he had to survive me, he didn’t unfortiunately.
He had made me a competetor by saying “NO” to all the things I wanted to have as a 10 year old. My repression was the mistake he had made. He started working as a ten year old, he never had a childhood and he never could give me a childhood because of this.
This is how generations of messed up individuals grow up. Now I am a child, who fulfills all this whims and fancies, without even thinking of whom i am repressing.
I guess it is time for me to deal with this repression and stop playing with toys, because if i remain a child, i am snatching somoene’s else childhood or I have already done that unknowingly.
Why are authority figures important?
I don’t have a single person in my life who can call out my crap, (except my elder sister, she rarely does though). But I need more authority figures to call out my crap, to question me.
This is scary, as we become independent, we don’t like to be questioned and be answerable. But everyone needs checks and balances perhaps?