When I was a kid, I had this huge problem. Everybody else had drama, they all had their lives going on but I had no drama of my own, you know? I couldn’t talk to anybody, I couldn’t connect with anyone, it was this huge disappointment.
So today I was thinking, Why do I do what I do?
Am I doing things that I do, just because there is nothing else I could do? Till recently I believed I was doing things because I only know these many things to do.
But gradually this insight dawned on me, that I am trying to still solve the problems from my childhood.
The childhood problems I’m trying to solve
A. Communication and articulation
I always felt I didn’t have the language or words to express myself. I always felt tongue tied. I felt desperately unable to speak out. I turned in to some kind of rebel in my adulthood so I can speak my mind. I try to protect my freedom so I am free to express myself.
No wonder I take to writing and now maintain notes, journals, blogs, social media so I could communicate.
B. Loss of connection and Isolation
Lot of people have a drive to make money. I just don’t feel like it. I mean, all I know is I need a roof over my head and food in my belly. But having more money would have been nice.
But money wasn’t a childhood problem, loss of connection and isolation was my biggest problem.
I could never really form close friendships. I could never be with a group or tribe of my own people. Somewhere something in me, would rather lead than be part of a tribe.
This obsession with leadership actually stops me from connecting to people. Maybe I would be a great follower or member of a tribe if I found a tribe which would inspire me.
The loss of connection and isolation was further aggravated by Dad shifting neighbourhood and even moving to small towns. I just was not able to handle the rapid change in social environments. It was even difficult for me to orient myself in Engineering college where the classmates again came from completely different social environments.
*This is an incomplete blogpost, as I am still trying to solve these two problems from my childhood**
Thanks for tolerating this brain dump!!!