The Importance of Authority Figures

I have a problem with Authority. I have serious issues with authority figures like Dad, Bosses, More succesful Dickheads, and alpha males.

Why do I have a problem with Authority

I loved my dad, but he was someone who would say “No” to any thing i really wanted to have. He was a kid himself and there was only room for one kid in the house. He bought all the toys for himself (machineries, mercedes and toyota’s). As he indulged in his toys, there was no thought about indulging his kid. So anything I asked was met with a flat ‘NO”. He was not someone wordy, he just said “No”. As a 8/10 year old, I just went sad on hearing that “No” evverytime. But he was an authority figure, I can no courage (or understanding on how to) to question him on his decision.

But this led to a repression of desires, that when i took over the (his) business as a young man, i was already making him redendant. Someone times i would out talk him in front of important clients (and he would suffer silently). He couldn’t say much as I was managing the works for him, I was bringing him the money.

I think this must have been exteremely disturbing for him, I was now the alpha young male he had to compete with. He was so insecure that when he passed away. I was not authorised signatory or a joint account holder in any of the bank accounts. This was how insecure I had made the old man.

But he was from the silent generation and could never express his insecurities to me. I had become his biggest competitor inside and outside the house, he had to survive me, he didn’t unfortiunately.

He had made me a competetor by saying “NO” to all the things I wanted to have as a 10 year old. My repression was the mistake he had made. He started working as a ten year old, he never had a childhood and he never could give me a childhood because of this.

This is how generations of messed up individuals grow up. Now I am a child, who fulfills all this whims and fancies, without even thinking of whom i am repressing.

I guess it is time for me to deal with this repression and stop playing with toys, because if i remain a child, i am snatching somoene’s else childhood or I have already done that unknowingly.

Why are authority figures important?

I don’t have a single person in my life who can call out my crap, (except my elder sister, she rarely does though). But I need more authority figures to call out my crap, to question me.

This is scary, as we become independent, we don’t like to be questioned and be answerable. But everyone needs checks and balances perhaps?

Are you smart or just street smart?

Do you often wonder, why the school bully who failed in class 3 and 7 went out to become a millionaire? Or are you one of them.

There is a difference between smart and street smart. A street smart person doesn’t know about what is happening in the world, but he is a very worldly wise person. He knows when is the opportune moment to strike. While the smart person goes on intellectual theories ( being theory it is fundamentally not real).

Here we get the delusional intellectual, who will win a political debate on TV but never win an election. So is being just ‘SMART” not good?

Remember the extremely skilled person can be both i.e A good combination of Street smartness and Intellectual smartness. This is what I am aspiring to be. Since I am writing this Blog. You can guess what kind of ’SMART” am I?

Resuming Blogging

It’s been sometime that I have not blogged. There are a few reasons for it. One is I feel tired and overworked all the time. Writing a blog seems vain during such times. I thought I would do video blogging, but not so confident about it.

I write this blog, and try to be as open as possible on an open platform. Some times I feel people use the knowledge they gain about me from my writing against me. Predators I call them or vultures. I write because I feel I have a brave voice, but I feel run down all the time. It gets tiring.

But I also write to connect to a person who might relate to my problems, my challenges. May be I can give the person an insight in to something. I really hope someone is learning something from my mistakes.

What I have decided is that I will do very short posts from now on. Keep it under 200 words.

I am a writer, here is why.

Everybody nowadays thinks he/she is a writer, including me. A school friend on seeing my blog messaged me on FB saying “ I didn’t know you could write”. I chuckled, I could barely speak English till I was in 10th Standard.

In the 11th Standard, my Catholic neighbour would only speak English and I picked up slowly. So English is my third language so to say. Street Hindi/Marathi being the first two. One of the most frustrating part of my growing up years, is not having the right words to express myself. While the elders around brandished the vocabulary. I mulled and sulked. When will I have able to speak such pure Marathi.

My Marathi never improved, but my English definitely has is better. I am told I express well. But I know, it is nowhere close to be a novel writers English. But I haven’t read Chetan Bhagat yet. But I wouldn’t like to torture you with the idea of me wiring a book, so this blog is my way of asking to be heard. IT WAS BECAUSE NO ONE FUCKING WOULD LET ME SPEAK UP AS A CHILD< GROWING UP>!!!

Everybody would tell me I was a quiet child, when I was seething to be let out. I wanted to talk but I just didn’t have the vocabulary. All the time, all the relatives and family friends would say, Manu is a quiet child. I am still a quiet person, I really never learnt to speak up. I am not the person who will let himself on to others.

Those were the Dark Times

Those early 80’s were dark period. There was no one publishing articles on “how to become a better writer”. My father would have thought I was out of my mind if I had said I don’t want to be an Engineer but a writer. Maybe that’s the reason he passed away so early.

Writing is my revenge

It seems writing is my revenge or revolt against those elders who had the words to speak eloquently. Now when I meet some of those elders, I feel I am better sometimes at speaking and writing (of course).

Writing is about controlling your world

The world doesn’t make sense. Everything is going crazy. No one knows what is happening. You are growing weaker ( and poorer) every day. People are killing and lynching. The rich are getting richer and then there is the rather weird middle class. In these times, writing is how you control you little world. Till you are writing down, everything seems to be in control.

Writing is about creating beauty

I am happiest when I am reading. Once an elderly aunt told me. Reading is the most selfish thing a person can do. Her husband ( a very bright chap) was addicted to reading. He must have ignored the sweet lady. Just because reading gives me so much joy. I feel I should also write and maybe someone feel elated after reading my words.

* Note this document hasn’t been proofread, excuse the typo’s*

I have been trying to look cool for too long.

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My entire adult life is going in trying to look cool. The thing is a lot of different people think, different things will make them look cool. I am a kind of social rebel, what people consider being cool, I would try to do the opposite of it.

Popularly people think being successful and owning houses and cars is cool. I have gone all out to make “being poor” look very cool, and so far I seem to be succeeding well.

Now I am wondering what I achieve in this attempt of mine of being cool to prove a point to other people whose definition of cool is skewed (which I think is materialistic ). I am now tired of proving to the world there is another way of living. I just want to be!!

 I don’t want to be a rebel and be a cool dude. Will I succeed in not being cool?