Living without Love can make you more Authentic

Love, love, love! It is everywhere. We are all begging for more love. We just want people to love us. Love has its upside but have you ever thought about the downside of love?

You who have ruined you health and life searching for love, somebody to love. What if I told you, that you could be better off without LOVE.

Let us get the upside of love out of the way

Love is a great de-stresser.

It is a great antidote to chronic stress. As you very well know that science now has discovered that stress weakens the immune system and it is responsible for all the major diseases from a heart attack to cancer. It has even gone and debunked “ diseases are passed via gene’s theory”.

Yes, Love can save your life by making you less stressed in life.

Love is a safety net

When you love someone, the promise is basically something like this –

“I will take care of you or I want to be taken care by you.”

This manifests itself in a term called Attachment. When you are attached to a parent, husband, you are basically promising to take care of the person or you are asking to be taken care off.

Love is leverage

Pair bonding is the 1st unit of the tribe and Love is how to extend your tribe. You produce children, friends and get more relatives. This web of people promise to be there, to cheer you on your birthdays, anniversaries and to mourn on your grief.

This tribe is your community. They make your passage through life less harrowing by acting as a lubricant to your goals.

Sorry to keep you waiting, now you must be wondering what the fuck could be the downside of love.

Downside of love – You become a fake!

Do you like fake people? Lets define a fake person first. A person who is not aligned to his being is a fake or anyone who is not true to their inner self.

So you might ask how can love correlate to one becoming a fake. Well, love is needed for survival. Our children love us since they are born, they quickly learn not to piss off mom or dad. They know they have been punished in the past for not complying to their parents vision of what a good child should be.

Many people in their late 50”s are still working for their parents approval. It need not be a parent, it could be a elder sibling, it could be your husband or wife whose validation you seek all the time. You cannot imagine not living without their approval. It is hard-wired into your biology. Anyone you feel attached to is responsible for you not being true to yourself.

Authenticity

If you are always trying to please your loved one, when will you ever get time and courage to be your authentic true self. Does that ring a bell?

Have you ever sacrificed, a very important passion or pursuit for your loved one? Do you worry more about your loved one than you worry about yourself? These could be sign’s of your fakeness.

Ok, if this has got you interested, go and google “Dr. Gabor Mate” to learn more.

How to become a better Listener

I have a ringing sound in my ear. It is very irritating, it is like your mom or wife constantly trying to tell you something. The ENT doctor says, my ear canal is blocked because of the cold. It is the most ridiculous health issue, but I had worst, so I might as well accept this one as another feather in the cap.

This sickness of mine, medically known as tinnitus as made me think about the psychosomatic factors. It is now well established that there is a link between our mind and body. There is an entire branch of psychoneuroimmunology that links some auto immune disorders from Multiple Sclerosis to IBS to your mental stress. Enough of cutting edge medical science talk!!

Do I have a listening problem?

I met a acquaintance the day before, and I realised I was talking a lot of my issues. I was so focussed on using him as a sounding board that the entire conversation felt a bit surreal. My fears, my irritation and his defence and guard let me feel that the conversations shouldn’t happen in this manner. I cannot use every person I meet as a sounding board and expect to gain resolution for my problems. No wonder I have problems connecting to other people. I am forever trying to get things go my way.

How do I become a better listener.

I have decided that next time, I feel somebody really wants to talk, I am going to drop all my projections and just let it be. I will just be a mirror reflecting what the other person wants to hear from me. It may be praise, compassion, empathy or criticism.

Do you want to talk?

How to HUG someone magically

A hug is magical and esoteric. I shouldn’t even be writing about it.

In a research it was observed that new born babies who were touched put on weight faster and were healthier that the babies who were isolated.

What applies to babies also applies to humans. We as a society have become suspicious of touch. The reason we are suspicious about a Hug is because a hug is hierarchical in nature. For eg. A elder person is more likely to hug a younger person and so on. A more respected person will be the first one to initiate the hug.

Also there is #metoo to consider, what if you feel like giving a female colleague for a job well done?

So now even after reading the political nature of a hug, I would advocate a hug.

BUT there is a right way of hugging someone.

Let me start with some don’t for Hugs.
1. If you ask someone if you can hug him/her, just don’t fucking do it. If you need to get the other person permission to hug. It means you need to create this artificial intimacy (“apnapan” is the right word)
2. If you give hugs as a ritual when you meet someone or say good bye. That hug is again mechanical and is not a healing touch.
3. HUGs are special, don’t stand on the road with a placard saying “ FREE HUGS”. They are farcical and a marketing gimmick.

SO HOW DO YOU GIVE THE RIGHT HUG?

HUGS should be spontaneous. The person who gets hugged spontaneously is left with a surprise of receiving such a generous gift. HUG is a reward when you are so fond of someone or what the person did for you that you body reacts with the hug. Hug is the human way of saying thank you for being the gift you are for me in the NOW.

Why I quit Tinder and how it made me hate standup comedians

Now how could tinder make a person hate standup comedian? Read below and see how these two tnings are connected in my life.

I have been single for like 25 years; I mean at least it feels that way. So after much deliberation I downloaded the Tinder app. I felt shy, as I felt I was much too old to be on tinder.

I put my ugly picture on it, and started swiping. It like a visual candy store, the app feels like some kind of game, where you swipe left and right.

However, I wasn’t getting lucky and for a long time, and then I got two matches. One woman was a globe trotter, and I had severe inferiority complex seeing her having the time of her life, that I stopped talking to her.

The other woman turned out to be a standup comedian. I felt standup comics were extremely smart and quick witted, as I felt humour is available only to the most clever.

We exchanged numbers right away, and started taking. I shared things about my life journey so far, and she shared her journey. I asked her about her life as a standup. She wryly said she had done an online course with an American Standup comedian for a fee and it was a good way to make money nowadays. I was a tad disappointed; I thought people were born funny to become a standup.

Even so, all I wanted from this tinder match was tender conversation, some empathy, some affection, I just wanted someone to call me up and ask how am I doing.I didn’t want to meet her, as I didn’t find her attractive, but I thought maybe I would like her eventually.

However, she turned to being extremely practical, she told me, my life was highly complicated, she said, she wouldn’t like to get involved in a person like this. How could she reject me when I didn’t even wish to date her or had any interest in her. I felt I was hit by speeding truck.

Nevertheless, this was enough for me to delete the Tinder app, and my disdain for standup comedians has just grown since this.

Betrayal dynamics

Yesterday I had an epiphany. I have a crazy paranoia of betrayal.

Betrayal is just about the person who tells you, that he/she loves you, actually loves someone more than you. It’s a subtle change and sometime sudden change of attention dynamics.

You were the apple of your mom’s eye, and then suddenly a baby is born in the family. You feel betrayed. Now is it your moms fault that the baby is adorable?

Adultery, is a kind of similar betrayal. Well, now he/she finds someone cuter and more loving than you. Simple as it may sound. I am just not able to handle this betrayal.

So I put up a condition, if you are going to betray me, tell me about it. In this way, I just don’t get taken up by a nasty unpleasant surprise.

There are some people who will leave the sinking boat, but I want them to sink with me. This is crazier than the titanic gets. So I am a difficult man…

Market thinking in love

She said we will be together when you have enough money, and you are not working like a dog.

He said, but I will never have enough money. Things have only been getting bad for me, in fact statistically, it is proven that people generally expect that things would be better in the future than they turn out to be.

He says – I don’t care! Let’s move in, even if we have to starve, let’s start a family.

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p dir=”ltr”>She says – you are kidding. You don’t have any freaking idea what it takes to be married, you are just irresponsible who doesn’t know how to take care of himself or others. How could you even have suggested such a thing?

He says – Well, generally this is how it was done earlier, people got married and then things did take care of themselves. I guess I am still old fashioned. You obviously have a market thinking mindset. I don’t blame you. I hate millennials and their way of thinking.

geralt / Pixabay