The Gas leakage Episode. → I could have got roasted.

I was making my kitchdi. I smelled that There was a leakage but for some reason I decided to ignore The smell.

Alter a while the smell was less I continued doing my thing which was listening to pocket articles & preparing for bath. I think I also did Yoga.

there was an urgent knock@ the door. All my neighbours who never really get a chance to talk to me were at the door. They looked alarmed.

I was a bit non-plussed what the hell have I done, I dont talk to anyone here.

they asked me if my gas cylinder is 0N?

I said, yes I was making my lunch. They said your gas is leaking we can all smell it.

And it stuck me, I had been careless.

After a few days I called the gas repairman. He said the regulator is leaking & needs to be replaced.

“Well, That was a close call he said” you were lucky!

She says she wants to die

I roam around anonymous forums looking to talk to strangers about my problems. Mostly I want to talk to people when I am stressed and anonymous forum work wonderful. It is always available and people are there because they have issues.

So I was not able to sleep. I was worried sick, I thought if I can’t sleep I will surely die soon. I mean how much long can a person live if he is not able to have his sleep. Research says it is around 9 days.

There I was looking to talk to someone, someone who can help me unwind and let me sleep. So I can live to accomplish my goals. But She was there saying she cannot cope and she wants to die.

She said the life she is wants to live is being lived by others.

I can completely understand that. Some people have fabulous lives on Instagram and Facebook which can make us feel worthless piece of shit who don’t deserve to live.

But what could I tell her?

Should I tell her, you are fool, life is a gift, look at me, I have lived 3/4 of my life and I still want to live. While you sound like you haven’t even lived 1/4 of your life.

Should I tell her that I will help her live a life what others are living? What do you tell a young mind who thinks their life is not worth it?

Publicly grieving for my father’s deaths

I got a call, it must have been 2 am or later. “Daddy passed away” the voice said. I was told to immediately leave for Bombay. This was 18th Feb 1999.

I along with my 6 month pregnant wife drove 420 kms to Mumbai. I had to take more than 5 breaks to use the loo during this 10 hour drive. My bowels were emptying. There were no tears. I guess diarrhoea is a kind of crying too. Ofcourse if I had cried I wouldn’t have been able to drive.

Reaching Mumbai and seeing my Dad’s dead body. I felt numb. It was surreal. I mentally couldn’t believe he was dead. I was 26 and it was probably the first dead body I was seeing.

Just before lighting the fire, I had a crazy thought, what if he was just in deep sleep or some sort of temporary coma. I ridiculed my mind and lit the funeral pyre. Now even if he was alive he had no chance of coming back I thought.

Still I couldn’t cry. I wondered, what was numbing me so much. All I could think was about the factory and the salary I needed to pay.

In a few days leaving my pregnant wife at her parents I was in a train with a few lacs of cash to give salary to the workers.

I am back to mumbai, finally having paid the workers. I take a bath, and looking at myself in the mirror on the bathroom. I break down and cry. It was a private grieving. I wondered what took me so many days to break down and cry. I rub it off. But am glad, I am no so numb anymore.

Man in the Mirror theory debunked

  • I am writing this post for the explicit benefit of misguided philosophers.

It is said that, if you want to change the world, you need to change yourself. Change yourself internally so that the external, material world would appear different.

This philosophy was debunked by Yuval Noah Harari in his book “Sapiens”. According to Yuval, this idea about changing the internal world to change the outer world is picked by libertarians from Buddhism. He further says that libertareans has turned the idea on its head.

He cites the example of a boy sitting by beach playing with the waves. The boy wants only the perfect wave to come to him, so with his hands he is trying to break the imperfect waves. After a while the boy is tired and just sits there with the waves.

This is a metaphor for thoughts. If we try to get only good thoughts and avoid the bad ones. It doesn’t mean we are going to be happy. In Buddhism he says the idea is not to get involved with the thoughts (good or bad) but like the waves it will come and go.

I always hated it when someone told me to change myself. Now I can say Fuck you to that person.

Body Intelligence

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 As long as I can remember, I have been fighting with my physical self, i.e., my body. As a young kid, I was always envious and in awe of my school mates, who excelled in physical sports & athletics. I had a friend who did like 100 meters in 14 seconds.

I always wondered why I could not run as fast as him. Once in school, a friend hit me on my back so hard; I had difficulty breathing, (it was just a game, like the first person who spots, will hit or something). I wondered what kind of strength he had. (He was a Muslim). Again one guy in school, almost caught me by my neck and lifted me in the air (or so I thought). No I wasn’t bullied as somehow I had the school bullies as friends, but these were some instances as growing up, I felt the physical powers of others.

Constant sickness, be it a stomach bug or sore throats and skin allergies were my favorite companions. Now I see my physical illness as a gift, not as a disease. I try to listen to my “body intelligence”. I don’t even listen to my mind. If my body says it can do something, I will do it. Otherwise, I won’t. It’s what you call “gut instinct.”

So I welcome any physical ailments like I would appreciate a teacher and learn from it, the lessons she wants to teach you. My life probably doesn’t need me to run the 100-metre race in under 14 seconds or do a full marathon. Maybe my life needs a little bit of sickness to make me rest a bit and appreciate all that that I have loved and lost.

in sickness & in health, I will be stand by you.

Till the time, you don’t push yourself, you don’t discover the biggest limitations of your life, which is undoubtedly your physical body. To fire on all cylinders means to live a life totally, with all its dangers and complexities, but there is a catch here.

The moment you start firing your 3rd barrel, (presuming you an economical four-cylinder car) you find yourself falling behind, the more your mind leaps ahead, the farther your body lags. You have two choices at this point 1) Pull a trigger and blow your fucking brains or 2) Listen to the adamant body, listen to your body intelligence, and slow down, and start aligning yourself with its nature.

Since I am alive, it can be safely presumed that I have chosen the more reasonable option 2.

As you try to reason out, the first question which comes to one’s mind is “Are you going to die and when?” “Do I have an incurable disease or something life threatening” (though all your reports are normal), but your suspicions persist. As you bear the pain, day in and day out you begin to wonder, “when will I get relief from this humiliating illness?”  or “Will I lead a life, limited by the inability to do things which an average person does and enjoys?”

An unhealthy person is unable to fulfill his commitments towards himself and to his loved ones. The sick body never can be good at work too. These are some of the most challenging thoughts which cross the mind when sick.

We usually blame ourselves for our sickness, like we shouldn’t have overeaten or binged on so many deserts. I know people with simple habits dying way too early in their life while the drunkards and the smokers are still alive and kicking.

There are two ways of dealing with your sickness again

1) To think that all that is happening to you is because of the wrong habits you have or the bad things you put into your body, both physically and emotionally.

2) Then there is another way, which I believe some African healers say is that your Health is the sum total of your environment (that includes your ancestors Karma also), and you can only do so much about it.

So I guess, as long as we desire to achieve more and more, we will realise our body disables us and keeps us grounded.

 

 

 

 

 

After 40 – You have been warned!

A couple of years back, a good friend and well-wisher who crossed 50 told me ” Manoj, our bodies change drastically after 40″. I looked at him like he had lost his marbles. I was fearless and used to think I can conquer the world.

Now well into my early 40’s, I feel my body is behaving strangely, my injuries don’t heal faster, I eat a lot less, I sleep rather early and wake a bit too early also.

I would go and add that there is significant change psychologically also. I don’t care for company, I spend almost all my time thinking about making money, the lust for the fairer sex is now very pragmatic. I don’t like going to music concerts or plays,  which I used to love earlier. But on the upside, I have started reading like crazy. I am reading about 8 books simultaneously.

One other notable thing that has happened to me in my 40’s is that I have developed a morbid fear of life. I have never experienced such constant persisting fear in my heart, but this is something I just can’t get over. Before 40’s, I felt, I almost had an inexhaustible source of energy, now it seems like a rapidly, exponentially diminishing source.

I don’t know, what others in their 40’s feel like. I know people in their 60’s going strong. Ram Jethmalani (93), still the top lawyer in the country, or Kabir Bedi getting married again at 70, and Sunny Deol (58) making a roaring comeback with Ghayal once again.

But I feel it is my duty warn the people who are headed this way!

Treat the other person if it was the last day of their life.

The-Survivors-Guide-What-You-Need-to-Know-and-What-You-Need-to-Do-When-Someone-Close-to-You-Dies-ByWe all have heard the cliche phrase that “Live life as it is the last day of your life” right? This doesn’t make sense, one is when you die, you are dead for other people, the dead person has no way of knowing if he is dead, his spirit lives on if you believe in the hindu way or you got to heaven or purgatory hell if you believe in other religions.

You live on even after your dead, maybe in a different world, but a dead person will not know he is dead. You can only know, if the other person is dead or alive. So when you meet or talk to a person, talk or act with that person if its their last day on this earth. Wouldn’t you then be kinder, gentler, caring to that person. Yes, be that.

Incase you are reading this blogpost, this is probably the last day of your life. Hugs and love to you then. Have fun in the other world.

The hidden benefits of dying.

We are all courageous enough to ask the question ” what is the point in living? ” but the real question I mean the only real question is “what are the benefits of dying? ”

Living is fun, it’s exciting, it’s intoxicating, it’s pleasurable , life has everything to offer. There is pleasure in the pain and the suffering also. Your pain and suffering define who you are not the other way round.

But dying? What’s the use? God way of cleaning the trash? All the bloody hardwork one does, all money you swindle, all people you bully, all the people you love and who love you back and God just decides one fine day you are trash and you need to be recycled in to a dog or a snake (if you believe in reincarnation) .

I think your dying is good for the world and for your immediate family more so. You clear the blocks for the future. Do you think Rajiv Gandhi would have been the PM if Indira wasn’t assassinated? Or SoNia G would be the congressperson riding on the huge sympathy wave? Or Namo would have been a PM candidate if he wasn’t accused of so many killings?

Disclaimer – yes, I do write more about death and I have no such pre-nomination of my death.

Expanding your consciousness.

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Consciousness as defined by UGK is the content of your being. Everything which makes you.

Sometimes, I feel the space around me contracting, people sucking the life out of me for their own desires, their fears, they project on your consciousness they demand answers to question, they feel it’s their fundamental right to own your time and attention and bring you down on your knees. Strangers asking for attention, marketers demanding you go and buy their products. Everyone wants to be a part of your consciousness but you need to be true to your calling your goal and not let it become impure.

When consciousness expands you see things in slow motion, you see things with better focus, and not just a random noise, you see things which you are meant to see. This is to reach your life goal, rest of the things really don’t matter. So no personal hard feelings towards those who were not paid their dues, no hard feelings for not calling up, no hard feelings for not loving you.

I am just following the divine will.

If you feel overwhelmed and feel your consciousness contracting, relax , forget about your petty problems , appreciate this wonderful world for just the way it is and you will see the world expanding.

Looking at intuition in retrospect.

I am a skeptic when words like intuition, magic and esoteric rituals are referred too.

It seems very loony to get involved in these stuff, but I have been greatly influenced by such people who believe in these stuff.

Now looking in retrospect I see signs of my childhood intuition coming true. While I was a kid, every time I used to travel to Bandra, my eyes would get tranfixed on a store called “Satguru’s ” on linking road. Now after 30 years I moved into a house which is opposite Satguru’s.

Again whenever I used to go to Nariman Point I would be very curious about NCPA , my parents never went to NCPA but I do feel extremely blessed whenever I am at NCPA (one of my most favourite place in Mumbai) .

Were these childhood sense of wonder just a sign about what the future holds for me. What if I was more aware of the subtle signs in the universe, would it have been easier for me to navigate this treacherous world with my own mental blue print.

Now I’m exercising my mind to back in time and explore those hidden groves of the memory lanes to find more clues for the treasure life awaits.

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Quantum Leap of consciousness.

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Since you guys follow me, you must all be very well how quantum physics or quantum mechanics works. Well, actually no one in the world knows how it works, so lets not kid ourselves.

Quantum mechanics is the study of electrons (or something like that) where the electrons exhibits un-predictable behaviour while moving around its orbits. It basically jumps randomly and its like, now its here in africa for a moment and the next moment its in antartica. (You get the drift?) . Hence the electrons has infinite probabilities of choosing a orbit or a path. So some modern new age philosophers now say that science can support and explain some supernatural or mystical behaviour. Anyway lets cut the jargon.

In a practical sense for a human being , if right now you have “X’ number of problems. and if in the next moment its been completely replaced by “Y” number of problems. How would you feel? Yes, thats is possible, you create your own destiny, you choose what you are.

Now the tricky part is choosing, the choosing “for a 3 bedroom house” has to happen in a non-ego state, then only the quantum law applies. ( I would highly recommend the movie “The Quantum Activist ” to understand all this in depth).

Ofcourse the catch is to reach the non-ego state? how does it happen? Be aware?

Bless you with the small joys of life!

The knock

There was a knock on the door, I opened the door and she said “Oops, looks like i got the wrong house” She smiled, I gave a welcome smile (which said pleasure was all mine)”.

I will never see her again, but yes she made me happy by the dazzling smile of hers.

Lucky Restaurant

You go to a restaurant, its packed to capacity, the manager could easily say “cannot accommodate” since you are a single person and wont add much to the revenue, but then he treats you respectfully, makes some arrangement and gives you a good seat. You smile and say thank you.

My Rs 200/ bill probably didn’t much difference in his bottom line, but he made my dinner!

Sitting all alone

There you are just sitting, without any thoughts and suddenly you feel fireworks in your heart, you are celebrating for no reasons and its all in silence. It lasts for a few seconds if not minutes.

You don’t know what happened to you, what made you so orgasmically happy. You thank God.

Flying Kisses

You are in a foul mood, you start your car and waiting to cross over, when some girl blows flying kisses as part of her dare bet with her bestie.

You are stunned and then laugh it off. But it made your evening.

Salsa Class

Learning dance is complex, you feel so inadequate, but then you cant escape all the time saying you cannot dance and have 2 left feet. (especially if you are a promoter and evangelist).

Your partners try to be nice to you, touch your hand and say you kind of nailed it. You are encouraged to try more complex patterns.

These are some of the small joys in my life, and for now this is what keeps me going.

Joy of Giving

Now when it comes to giving someone the best, you need to know what is the best and should have necessarily experienced the lack and the fulfilment of the so called “best” . For eg. If you need to recommend some haute restaurant or dish, you need to have experienced it first hand or atleast have some first hand information about the same. 

So we are all in a race to experience the “BEST” that the world has to offer and share with the person we love and treasure.

So while you are on your so called “best experience gathering trip” which takes all of your resources, a few dear and near ones will have to sacrifice the idea that you might have anything of you to share with them as you are using all the vital resources in gathering your “BEST LIFE EXPERIENCES”.

Now is there a way, that the loved one doesn’t get neglected while you are on your mission to conquer the world, is there a way the other person doesn’t have to sacrifice so that you may have the best?

So instead of compromising and adjusting for the other and sacrificing our cherished desires and expectation, we still move head on to get the best for us? 

CONCLUSION

I have decided not to demand or expect anything at all from any other person, If I have nothing to offer, I have no right to demand. This is my lesson in “GIVING”. I want to give without expecting anything. Iam not sacrificing any of my desires for the other, so there is no chance of attachment. I will just experience and cherish the joy of giving without looking back to whats in it for me. 

Its the only way, I can feel not guilty. I have went for all I wanted, and have not cared for anyone else. This is the grand jury which says Iam guilty and my punishment is to “give” and not expect to receive. 

(A thought,  just pouring it out ) 

Demystifying intuition

Intuition is the most abused word in recent times, any stupid person will take any random decision and base it on their so called “Intuitive Powers”.

But honestly decision making would be such a inefficient activity if people didn’t channel their intuitive powers.

One philosopher has defined “Intuition as nothing more than refined thinking”. There is no super power, no clairvoyance, just refined thinking. I have started believing that.

I have bull-shitted every person who claims to have intuitive powers, but embarrassingly I have relied on my intuitive thoughts to make some major relationship decisions.

Decisions are always based on certain assumptions or facts, and we take a calculated decision But in certain cases, the heart just follows contrary to what the facts and logical conclusion should be.

Intuition is a big mind fuck, it makes you pretty insecure, as you are about to loose control of what is known and enter into the murky or magical realm of the unknown.

Can we trust our intuition , this biological gift for survival has become a tool for making profits? Have we deteriorated or is this just a survival instinct?

The Utility of fear!

If you read any nouveau spiritual book, you will read tons of advice on why not to act in fear, why not to worry and how to overcome fear. 

I have read these books and advises, of-course they make a pertinent point, also if you speak to your close ones, they will always try to instil fear in you, cause they don’t want the worst possible thing to happen to you. 

But then there are times, when you are yourself faced with a worse case scenario, its a state of indecision which creates conflict and hence the fear. When we are unsure about ourselves, when the very ground which we thought was firm is shaken. This is the point we begin to explore something much deeper, profound and meaningful. 
Fear helps in pushing the energy inwards and fighting it or defeating it, might be counter productive. why not use the force of fear carry you to where you are meant to be, not where you want to be.

Facing your worst fears

The reasoning that I have to face my worst fear to over come them sounds ironical and a bit diabolically sucidal. But it maybe be indeed true. How else does one overcome them, my karma needs to be expatiated, if i dont overcome them or pass them, I will face them again and again till I adapt and evolve. 

Anlogically speaking, if you are afraid of water , learn to swim or die, but you need a coach. In real life, your friends,community,clients, relations the entire humanity is your coach, cajoaling you to become and be and accomplish and acheive what your higher purpose in life is to be. 

Bonfire of the Ego

Who Am I? 

The best answer to this question was given by Osho.
He says, when you ask yourself who you are, and you get a answer. Than thats what you are not, discard the same. Ask again, and then again discard it. Keep on doing this, peeling every ego identity of yours, and finally in the end, you are there.
Other idea is to light a bonfire and mentally/visually throw each of your identities(ego) in to the bonfire. I remind myself to do this often, doing this every moment would be so wonderful i think.
Lets light up a bonfire, and dance and make merry.