The Gas leakage Episode. → I could have got roasted.

I was making my kitchdi. I smelled that There was a leakage but for some reason I decided to ignore The smell.

Alter a while the smell was less I continued doing my thing which was listening to pocket articles & preparing for bath. I think I also did Yoga.

there was an urgent knock@ the door. All my neighbours who never really get a chance to talk to me were at the door. They looked alarmed.

I was a bit non-plussed what the hell have I done, I dont talk to anyone here.

they asked me if my gas cylinder is 0N?

I said, yes I was making my lunch. They said your gas is leaking we can all smell it.

And it stuck me, I had been careless.

After a few days I called the gas repairman. He said the regulator is leaking & needs to be replaced.

“Well, That was a close call he said” you were lucky!

She says she wants to die

I roam around anonymous forums looking to talk to strangers about my problems. Mostly I want to talk to people when I am stressed and anonymous forum work wonderful. It is always available and people are there because they have issues.

So I was not able to sleep. I was worried sick, I thought if I can’t sleep I will surely die soon. I mean how much long can a person live if he is not able to have his sleep. Research says it is around 9 days.

There I was looking to talk to someone, someone who can help me unwind and let me sleep. So I can live to accomplish my goals. But She was there saying she cannot cope and she wants to die.

She said the life she is wants to live is being lived by others.

I can completely understand that. Some people have fabulous lives on Instagram and Facebook which can make us feel worthless piece of shit who don’t deserve to live.

But what could I tell her?

Should I tell her, you are fool, life is a gift, look at me, I have lived 3/4 of my life and I still want to live. While you sound like you haven’t even lived 1/4 of your life.

Should I tell her that I will help her live a life what others are living? What do you tell a young mind who thinks their life is not worth it?

Publicly grieving for my father’s deaths

I got a call, it must have been 2 am or later. “Daddy passed away” the voice said. I was told to immediately leave for Bombay. This was 18th Feb 1999.

I along with my 6 month pregnant wife drove 420 kms to Mumbai. I had to take more than 5 breaks to use the loo during this 10 hour drive. My bowels were emptying. There were no tears. I guess diarrhoea is a kind of crying too. Ofcourse if I had cried I wouldn’t have been able to drive.

Reaching Mumbai and seeing my Dad’s dead body. I felt numb. It was surreal. I mentally couldn’t believe he was dead. I was 26 and it was probably the first dead body I was seeing.

Just before lighting the fire, I had a crazy thought, what if he was just in deep sleep or some sort of temporary coma. I ridiculed my mind and lit the funeral pyre. Now even if he was alive he had no chance of coming back I thought.

Still I couldn’t cry. I wondered, what was numbing me so much. All I could think was about the factory and the salary I needed to pay.

In a few days leaving my pregnant wife at her parents I was in a train with a few lacs of cash to give salary to the workers.

I am back to mumbai, finally having paid the workers. I take a bath, and looking at myself in the mirror on the bathroom. I break down and cry. It was a private grieving. I wondered what took me so many days to break down and cry. I rub it off. But am glad, I am no so numb anymore.

Body Intelligence

 As long as I can remember, I have been fighting with my physical self, i.e., my body. As a young kid, I was always envious and in awe of my school mates, who excelled in physical sports & athletics. I had a friend who did like 100 meters in 14 seconds.

I always wondered why I could not run as fast as him. Once in school, a friend hit me on my back so hard; I had difficulty breathing, (it was just a game, like the first person who spots, will hit or something). I wondered what kind of strength he had. (He was a Muslim). Again one guy in school, almost caught me by my neck and lifted me in the air (or so I thought). No I wasn’t bullied as somehow I had the school bullies as friends, but these were some instances as growing up, I felt the physical powers of others.

Constant sickness, be it a stomach bug or sore throats and skin allergies were my favorite companions. Now I see my physical illness as a gift, not as a disease. I try to listen to my “body intelligence”. I don’t even listen to my mind. If my body says it can do something, I will do it. Otherwise, I won’t. It’s what you call “gut instinct.”

So I welcome any physical ailments like I would appreciate a teacher and learn from it, the lessons she wants to teach you. My life probably doesn’t need me to run the 100-metre race in under 14 seconds or do a full marathon. Maybe my life needs a little bit of sickness to make me rest a bit and appreciate all that that I have loved and lost.

in sickness & in health, I will be stand by you.

Till the time, you don’t push yourself, you don’t discover the biggest limitations of your life, which is undoubtedly your physical body. To fire on all cylinders means to live a life totally, with all its dangers and complexities, but there is a catch here.

The moment you start firing your 3rd barrel, (presuming you an economical four-cylinder car) you find yourself falling behind, the more your mind leaps ahead, the farther your body lags. You have two choices at this point 1) Pull a trigger and blow your fucking brains or 2) Listen to the adamant body, listen to your body intelligence, and slow down, and start aligning yourself with its nature.

Since I am alive, it can be safely presumed that I have chosen the more reasonable option 2.

As you try to reason out, the first question which comes to one’s mind is “Are you going to die and when?” “Do I have an incurable disease or something life threatening” (though all your reports are normal), but your suspicions persist. As you bear the pain, day in and day out you begin to wonder, “when will I get relief from this humiliating illness?”  or “Will I lead a life, limited by the inability to do things which an average person does and enjoys?”

An unhealthy person is unable to fulfill his commitments towards himself and to his loved ones. The sick body never can be good at work too. These are some of the most challenging thoughts which cross the mind when sick.

We usually blame ourselves for our sickness, like we shouldn’t have overeaten or binged on so many deserts. I know people with simple habits dying way too early in their life while the drunkards and the smokers are still alive and kicking.

There are two ways of dealing with your sickness again

1) To think that all that is happening to you is because of the wrong habits you have or the bad things you put into your body, both physically and emotionally.

2) Then there is another way, which I believe some African healers say is that your Health is the sum total of your environment (that includes your ancestors Karma also), and you can only do so much about it.

So I guess, as long as we desire to achieve more and more, we will realise our body disables us and keeps us grounded.






After 40 – You have been warned!

A couple of years back, a good friend and well-wisher who crossed 50 told me ” Manoj, our bodies change drastically after 40″. I looked at him like he had lost his marbles. I was fearless and used to think I can conquer the world.

Now well into my early 40’s, I feel my body is behaving strangely, my injuries don’t heal faster, I eat a lot less, I sleep rather early and wake a bit too early also.

I would go and add that there is significant change psychologically also. I don’t care for company, I spend almost all my time thinking about making money, the lust for the fairer sex is now very pragmatic. I don’t like going to music concerts or plays,  which I used to love earlier. But on the upside, I have started reading like crazy. I am reading about 8 books simultaneously.

One other notable thing that has happened to me in my 40’s is that I have developed a morbid fear of life. I have never experienced such constant persisting fear in my heart, but this is something I just can’t get over. Before 40’s, I felt, I almost had an inexhaustible source of energy, now it seems like a rapidly, exponentially diminishing source.

I don’t know, what others in their 40’s feel like. I know people in their 60’s going strong. Ram Jethmalani (93), still the top lawyer in the country, or Kabir Bedi getting married again at 70, and Sunny Deol (58) making a roaring comeback with Ghayal once again.

But I feel it is my duty warn the people who are headed this way!

Treat the other person if it was the last day of their life.

The-Survivors-Guide-What-You-Need-to-Know-and-What-You-Need-to-Do-When-Someone-Close-to-You-Dies-ByWe all have heard the cliche phrase that “Live life as it is the last day of your life” right? This doesn’t make sense, one is when you die, you are dead for other people, the dead person has no way of knowing if he is dead, his spirit lives on if you believe in the hindu way or you got to heaven or purgatory hell if you believe in other religions.

You live on even after your dead, maybe in a different world, but a dead person will not know he is dead. You can only know, if the other person is dead or alive. So when you meet or talk to a person, talk or act with that person if its their last day on this earth. Wouldn’t you then be kinder, gentler, caring to that person. Yes, be that.

Incase you are reading this blogpost, this is probably the last day of your life. Hugs and love to you then. Have fun in the other world.

The hidden benefits of dying.

We are all courageous enough to ask the question ” what is the point in living? ” but the real question I mean the only real question is “what are the benefits of dying? ”

Living is fun, it’s exciting, it’s intoxicating, it’s pleasurable , life has everything to offer. There is pleasure in the pain and the suffering also. Your pain and suffering define who you are not the other way round.

But dying? What’s the use? God way of cleaning the trash? All the bloody hardwork one does, all money you swindle, all people you bully, all the people you love and who love you back and God just decides one fine day you are trash and you need to be recycled in to a dog or a snake (if you believe in reincarnation) .

I think your dying is good for the world and for your immediate family more so. You clear the blocks for the future. Do you think Rajiv Gandhi would have been the PM if Indira wasn’t assassinated? Or SoNia G would be the congressperson riding on the huge sympathy wave? Or Namo would have been a PM candidate if he wasn’t accused of so many killings?

Disclaimer – yes, I do write more about death and I have no such pre-nomination of my death.

The Terminally ill dilemma

Suppose you have a fatal type of cancer, like steve jobs (except you don’t have the money steve had). You know only one thing, that slowly and menacingly you are bound to die.
Under the circumstances, there are 2 options for you, since you have limited resouces unlike Steve Jobs, you can only opt for any one of these options.
 You fight the cancer with all your might.
There is also a chance that if you fight with all your might, you can eventually win over the cancer, but the fight might kill you instead of the cancer.

In this case, doesn’t it make more sense to opt for

Enjoy your last few days/months/years on this planet.

FOR OPTION 2 to happen, the following questions need to be answered.

Do you accept and see yourself becoming weak and withering away in front of your own eyes. Do you see others seeing you becoming weak and die? Do you accept that others might sympathise with your condition?
You very well know, you were young and healthy and it is not your time to die, do you accept the unfair circumstances in which life has been snatched away from you? Do you want to snatch away someone else’s life, just because life hasn’t been fair to you? Do you want retribution, before you are too weak to move on your own feet?