The Importance of Authority Figures

I have a problem with Authority. I have serious issues with authority figures like Dad, Bosses, More succesful Dickheads, and alpha males.

Why do I have a problem with Authority

I loved my dad, but he was someone who would say “No” to any thing i really wanted to have. He was a kid himself and there was only room for one kid in the house. He bought all the toys for himself (machineries, mercedes and toyota’s). As he indulged in his toys, there was no thought about indulging his kid. So anything I asked was met with a flat ‘NO”. He was not someone wordy, he just said “No”. As a 8/10 year old, I just went sad on hearing that “No” evverytime. But he was an authority figure, I can no courage (or understanding on how to) to question him on his decision.

But this led to a repression of desires, that when i took over the (his) business as a young man, i was already making him redendant. Someone times i would out talk him in front of important clients (and he would suffer silently). He couldn’t say much as I was managing the works for him, I was bringing him the money.

I think this must have been exteremely disturbing for him, I was now the alpha young male he had to compete with. He was so insecure that when he passed away. I was not authorised signatory or a joint account holder in any of the bank accounts. This was how insecure I had made the old man.

But he was from the silent generation and could never express his insecurities to me. I had become his biggest competitor inside and outside the house, he had to survive me, he didn’t unfortiunately.

He had made me a competetor by saying “NO” to all the things I wanted to have as a 10 year old. My repression was the mistake he had made. He started working as a ten year old, he never had a childhood and he never could give me a childhood because of this.

This is how generations of messed up individuals grow up. Now I am a child, who fulfills all this whims and fancies, without even thinking of whom i am repressing.

I guess it is time for me to deal with this repression and stop playing with toys, because if i remain a child, i am snatching somoene’s else childhood or I have already done that unknowingly.

Why are authority figures important?

I don’t have a single person in my life who can call out my crap, (except my elder sister, she rarely does though). But I need more authority figures to call out my crap, to question me.

This is scary, as we become independent, we don’t like to be questioned and be answerable. But everyone needs checks and balances perhaps?

Publicly grieving for my father’s deaths

I got a call, it must have been 2 am or later. “Daddy passed away” the voice said. I was told to immediately leave for Bombay. This was 18th Feb 1999.

I along with my 6 month pregnant wife drove 420 kms to Mumbai. I had to take more than 5 breaks to use the loo during this 10 hour drive. My bowels were emptying. There were no tears. I guess diarrhoea is a kind of crying too. Ofcourse if I had cried I wouldn’t have been able to drive.

Reaching Mumbai and seeing my Dad’s dead body. I felt numb. It was surreal. I mentally couldn’t believe he was dead. I was 26 and it was probably the first dead body I was seeing.

Just before lighting the fire, I had a crazy thought, what if he was just in deep sleep or some sort of temporary coma. I ridiculed my mind and lit the funeral pyre. Now even if he was alive he had no chance of coming back I thought.

Still I couldn’t cry. I wondered, what was numbing me so much. All I could think was about the factory and the salary I needed to pay.

In a few days leaving my pregnant wife at her parents I was in a train with a few lacs of cash to give salary to the workers.

I am back to mumbai, finally having paid the workers. I take a bath, and looking at myself in the mirror on the bathroom. I break down and cry. It was a private grieving. I wondered what took me so many days to break down and cry. I rub it off. But am glad, I am no so numb anymore.

Daddy is no more.

18th feb 1999.

It was a busy working day for me, I had my usual day at the factory, there was no reason I should be more tired than usual. This was not the usual tiredness of the body, it was tiredness of a different kind, a gloomy kind of tiredness where you want to pull up the blankets and go to sleep for 20 hours, its the kind of tiredness you feel before the onset of a severe sickness. Your body is fighting the sickness before you even know about it or is preparing you for a calamity? 

I tell my companion, Iam tired, very tired and I would like to retire, we both retire early, much earlier than our usual time, maybe I had passed on the tiredness to my pregnant companion? The phone starts ringing maybe around 1.30 am. I hear the voice of my brother in law “Daddy is no more”. The mind cannot believe it, how can it be possible, but the body knew about it, before hand. 

I am feeling the same kind of tiredness today, the kind I felt that day. It a scary feeling, I start counting the people I love in this world who are still alive, including myself. 

Dear Princess

Dear Princess When you were small, you hugged me and i felt, life was worth living.
Your little hands touched my soul and healed me. You were daddy’s
little girl and I know daddy was your world too.
I made sure that you were always treated like a princess, I sheltered
you to the best of my ability. I quit smoking for you, so I could live
longer to be with you, I even changed jobs to be closer to you. Every
wish of yours was a mission for me.

Suddenly you grew up and said you have found a guy you love. You tell
me he is just like me. I am happy that you found love, and want to
settle down, so here I am blessing you a life of a princess! Forever! Love

Dad