Daddy is no more.

18th feb 1999.

It was a busy working day for me, I had my usual day at the factory, there was no reason I should be more tired than usual. This was not the usual tiredness of the body, it was tiredness of a different kind, a gloomy kind of tiredness where you want to pull up the blankets and go to sleep for 20 hours, its the kind of tiredness you feel before the onset of a severe sickness. Your body is fighting the sickness before you even know about it or is preparing you for a calamity? 

I tell my companion, Iam tired, very tired and I would like to retire, we both retire early, much earlier than our usual time, maybe I had passed on the tiredness to my pregnant companion? The phone starts ringing maybe around 1.30 am. I hear the voice of my brother in law “Daddy is no more”. The mind cannot believe it, how can it be possible, but the body knew about it, before hand. 

I am feeling the same kind of tiredness today, the kind I felt that day. It a scary feeling, I start counting the people I love in this world who are still alive, including myself. 

The Old man

Old man

All my friends are gone, I am ready to embrace the cold embrace of death. There is no point in existing anymore, I have done all I had to do in this lifetime, there is no life force left in me. 

I tell others I am not afraid to die, but I am terrified of dying, but even more terrified of living like a vegetable, worn out bones because of bed sores and a toilet pan under my bed. 

This cannot be the end to my glorious life? How can it be?