Removing the Heart Chakra Block

I grew up in what is called a broken family. A broken family is where communication is blocked or if they (parents) tried to communicate, they did it by shouting and screaming and sometimes physically abusing each other.

As a young child looking at my parents in a physical scuffle was most terrifying. I was worried more for 6 feet, 100 kg (almost) young 40-year-old dad than for my 5’2” inch tall 30-year-old mother. The reason is that it was my drunk mother who would start the brawl. In a 5-year-old mind, I was in no position to understand the context of the fight. For a 5-year-old mind, it is WYSWYG ( What you see what you get). My mother was the villain of the family. She was a drunkard and a trouble maker. I couldn’t have been more wrong. She was the powerless and helpless woman, as a young woman uneducated woman, the only way she could fight was by screaming and shouting her pain and it took a lot of alcohol to get her there.

Without the alcohol, she was quiet, loving and generous. With a lot of support from the alcohol, she tried to fight back my dad, who was a VJTI Engineer and a prosperous businessman with cars and disposable income. He was the personification of success for all his 10/15 nephews and nieces, many of them whom he employed in his factory.

I think am like my mother except that I don’t drink.

There is a lot of pain inside me, which should come out, but I don’t want to do it like my mother by hitting the bottle. I am looking for other ways.

I think all that fight between my parents has damaged me badly. Still at this age, if I hear people screaming at each other, I get very irritated, I think it is not normal.

I cannot cry easily.

Because of the constant fight between my parents, I became a zombie. I never felt hurt. A counsellor/friend – Reetu Walia (She is amazing) told me that I live inside a beautiful palace where “hurt” is normal. I hated to admit, but that sounded a bit true.

As a teenager, I slept a lot, sometimes 13/14 hours a day. No, I never did any substance. I just was numb. Many strangers who met me as a teenager or a young adult told me I look like a Zombie. I felt insulted, as I always thought I was an intelligent person, I mean I read Sigmund Freud when I was in 7th Standard and enjoyed it thoroughly. Little did I realise they were pointing at my heart which didn’t feel anything. My heart had stopped feeling when I was very young.

It took me 7 days after my dad’s death to cry. I just felt numb for 7 days and went about doing regular stuff.

My heart opened a bit when I got separated from my kids

I guess God, wanted to do his bit. My biggest pain in life was when I got separated from my kids. Thanks to them, I am a bit more human. But still, my heart is half paralysed. I know if a tragedy happens, I will feel in weeks or months later.

It is a life/heart living in denial.

I am doing my bit to un-block my heart chakra. It causes me a lot of harm. All my decisions go wrong because my heart doesn’t talk to me. In love, the heart plays a vital role. I even missed a boat, when I realised I love a woman when she announced her engagement to me. Shucks, I said better luck next time. The heart laughs but cannot cry, because crying hurts. The 5-year-old doesn’t want to cry. He wants to block the images of his parents fighting but he cannot.

I hope, I succeed in unblocking the heart chakra soon. Wish me luck. In case you have succeeded in unblocking the heart, let me know. They say talking about it a good way to start.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

For Singles Only – How to find the right life-partner.

There are chances that you have missed the bus, or maybe you got on the wrong marriage bus. Happens, it happened to me, quite a few times, that’s the reason I don’t understand people who marry their childhood sweethearts. I mean youth is all about trial and error till you find the right life-partner.

The single most critical decision you will ever make

But this most important decision is the single most critical decision you could ever make, but still, so many people get this wrong. I am lucky, I jumped out of the marriage bus. But single men are more ostracised than single women. We single men don’t know how to manage life without a woman. I have to consult my mother-in-law (her name is youtube) for every small thing, like how much salt to put in a dish. If I knew life as a single man would be so tough, I would have tried to stay on the bus. But then foolish people are not particularly gifted with hindsight.

Why am I advising on find how to find the right life-partner?

Have been single since 2005, I think I have a 15-year experience on how to stay alive as a single person. I think my insights could help some young people to get the right kind of life partner rather than being single and adopting cats and dogs for company. You can be a couple, have children and still have pets.

There is only one important thing to know if she/he is the right one – Communication

Yes, it is as simple as this.

If you feel you can understand the person without even talking or that person saying something to you, you have found your soulmate.

There is a caveat –

You might start with great communication with the person you date and eventually marry. But after you get a bit older in a relationship, you fall into what is called “[Closeness- Communication bias]” – which means the closer you feel to someone, the less you listen to that person.

Warning for men/boys

Women are more deceptive and manipulative. A woman might lie if she is insecure and communicate only what the guy wants to hear. This creates a wrong illusion that the women are listening or following you. She might do it for various reasons, like the guy is a good catch, she is missing her window of opportunity to carry children. A woman is always in much more hurry to get hitched before losing her value in terms of age and beauty. So guys, try to find an honest woman.

find the right life-partner
Photographer: Avinash Uppuluri | Source: Unsplash

The Importance of Authority Figures

I have a problem with Authority. I have serious issues with authority figures like Dad, Bosses, More succesful Dickheads, and alpha males.

Why do I have a problem with Authority

I loved my dad, but he was someone who would say “No” to any thing i really wanted to have. He was a kid himself and there was only room for one kid in the house. He bought all the toys for himself (machineries, mercedes and toyota’s). As he indulged in his toys, there was no thought about indulging his kid. So anything I asked was met with a flat ‘NO”. He was not someone wordy, he just said “No”. As a 8/10 year old, I just went sad on hearing that “No” evverytime. But he was an authority figure, I can no courage (or understanding on how to) to question him on his decision.

But this led to a repression of desires, that when i took over the (his) business as a young man, i was already making him redendant. Someone times i would out talk him in front of important clients (and he would suffer silently). He couldn’t say much as I was managing the works for him, I was bringing him the money.

I think this must have been exteremely disturbing for him, I was now the alpha young male he had to compete with. He was so insecure that when he passed away. I was not authorised signatory or a joint account holder in any of the bank accounts. This was how insecure I had made the old man.

But he was from the silent generation and could never express his insecurities to me. I had become his biggest competitor inside and outside the house, he had to survive me, he didn’t unfortiunately.

He had made me a competetor by saying “NO” to all the things I wanted to have as a 10 year old. My repression was the mistake he had made. He started working as a ten year old, he never had a childhood and he never could give me a childhood because of this.

This is how generations of messed up individuals grow up. Now I am a child, who fulfills all this whims and fancies, without even thinking of whom i am repressing.

I guess it is time for me to deal with this repression and stop playing with toys, because if i remain a child, i am snatching somoene’s else childhood or I have already done that unknowingly.

Why are authority figures important?

I don’t have a single person in my life who can call out my crap, (except my elder sister, she rarely does though). But I need more authority figures to call out my crap, to question me.

This is scary, as we become independent, we don’t like to be questioned and be answerable. But everyone needs checks and balances perhaps?

How to become a better Listener

I have a ringing sound in my ear. It is very irritating, it is like your mom or wife constantly trying to tell you something. The ENT doctor says, my ear canal is blocked because of the cold. It is the most ridiculous health issue, but I had worst, so I might as well accept this one as another feather in the cap.

This sickness of mine, medically known as tinnitus as made me think about the psychosomatic factors. It is now well established that there is a link between our mind and body. There is an entire branch of psychoneuroimmunology that links some auto immune disorders from Multiple Sclerosis to IBS to your mental stress. Enough of cutting edge medical science talk!!

Do I have a listening problem?

I met a acquaintance the day before, and I realised I was talking a lot of my issues. I was so focussed on using him as a sounding board that the entire conversation felt a bit surreal. My fears, my irritation and his defence and guard let me feel that the conversations shouldn’t happen in this manner. I cannot use every person I meet as a sounding board and expect to gain resolution for my problems. No wonder I have problems connecting to other people. I am forever trying to get things go my way.

How do I become a better listener.

I have decided that next time, I feel somebody really wants to talk, I am going to drop all my projections and just let it be. I will just be a mirror reflecting what the other person wants to hear from me. It may be praise, compassion, empathy or criticism.

Do you want to talk?

Why I choose fun over connections.

I feel all doors are closing or more like the ceiling is going to collapse. Can one open doors without experimenting with Psychedelic substances? Health issues, financial problems and no relationships, yes this couldn’t look worse. But in spite of all this, I manage to have a lot of fun each and everyday.

Yes, fun all alone. I really don’t see myself in other peoples company. I feel the work I am doing though not paying, but it is one of the things which keeps me connected to other people. Also, inspite on my ADD (attention deficient disorder) , i have been doing the same thing for almost 10 years.

I haven’t changed profession or the line of business, though I have taken some freelance assignments to pay the rents. I have managed to stick it out. Also I am having a lot of fun doing my core work.

Is it OK to have fun working?

One potential business partner told me “Manoj, You seem to be having lot of fun, doing what you and that is a problem”. On prodding further, he indicated, that I was not focused on making money, but focused on having fun and this is the reason for my dire financial state of affairs”. But then you cannot really expect something radical from an MBA graduate.

Different school of thoughts on Fun@work

Some say, be professional, don’t have fun. Others would say, have fun, do what you love and do your best, money would follow. I chose to follow the other line of thought for my professional life.

Being serious means you gain your power from manipulating others, some day you will find your match and you will be ousted from your vantage point and left powerless. If the source of your power is outside of you, it is matter of time till your luck run outs.

But if you analyse the “fun” part without the context of space, it could be a valid point

I was talking to my young 18 year old friend, she said that she only has people in her life whom she feels strongly connected to. This hit me out of nowhere. In fact, i realised that the only reason she is talking to me or is connected is because she feels connected to me, while i was thinking I have a right to her life. (She has no obligation as such).

The other thing, which made me realise is I have never chased deeper connections. I have always preferred people who are fun to hang around with. I have never judged or evaluated if i feel a deep sense of connection, the idea of connection never crossed my mind.

If you are in it for fun, the problem is sooner or later you get bored and have to move on and meet other people. The problem is replacing people is darn difficult. You cannot replace your school best friend or college buddy, when the fun runs out.

So why the fuck do i chase fun

Fun is a way for me to not deal with life’s real problems, it is a coping mechanism, which has become a addiction. I don’t know how to make new relationships or mend the broken relationships from my past. I don’t know how to make more money, I don’t know how to make people believe in me and follow me.

I am very incompetent at the practical things of life. So the only thing i can do is have fun. Are you up for some fun? Lets have fun!!!

A smile to the rescue.

When two ego’s collide, there is bound be destruction. Inspire of having the best of intentions for each other, we may end up seeing the end of relationships.

In our overwhelming need to always be right, we might do a wrong to a precious friendship or a relationship. It is extremely difficult to change our opinion on what is right & wrong, but a smile is very easy.

It you want to put a point with all the force behind it, say it with a smile, If you need is swallow other’s opinion which you still dont agree on, swallow it wilt a bigger smile.

This is IIfe lesson I learnt today.

Inverting the Institution of Marriage to Eliminate INEQUALITY

I deal with the middle class. I mean I run online communities, where the people who consume content are the middle class. This has given me no choice but to study this class for their behaviours and biases. I am not an expert so my knowledge is made of lot of stuff I read by western authors and writers.

The Middle Class hates the Poorer class

One thing is certain, the middle class hates the poor. When I say poor they are not the slum dwellers. They are just not on the same social ladder as the middle class. One thing which could easily categorise these two classes are

The Battle of the two Classes

1. One class owns one or more cars – i.e the Middle Class which seldom use public transport.
2. The other class doesn’t own a car or If they own it, it is used for commercial purpose. I.e the lower class which mostly use public transport.

Inverting the Institution of Marriage

Marriage is the biggest social indicator of life. Who you marry will define your social status for the rest of your life. Unless you have the guts to divorce.

The Sole Purpose of Marriage

Let marriage no longer be an institution. We have burdened marriage with too many responsibilities. Let marriage be for the sole purpose of someone to take care of you when you are sick or take care of your old parents. Yes, reduction to one thing.

Marry only to person from a much lower economic status

It is said migration is the biggest cause of improving economic conditions. People migrate from villages to cities, from cities to economic centres worldwide.

What about social migration?
Physical migration might improve the economic conditions, it might give you comforts which you never even thought of. But you mind is still in the village and small town. You only interact with other migrants from your pind.

Social Migration via Marriage

Now, marry someone from other social-economic background and it is certain that there would be a big leap in your social conditions.

Also the bonus is it might reduce inequality.

My words don’t need you any more

My words don’t need you anymore

They have moved on to a better place.

A place that doesn’t want anything from you. My words now don’t want to be heard. They are comfortable in their own skin.

They are there for no reason. They just flow like water finds in own level. They will flow and find their way like water. They will quench thirst, grow a tree or a forest. They might just get wasted in a puddle or drown in the deep blue sea.

These words of mine are as pure as rainwater. They fall without any discrimination. It is not their fault they fell on you. You came in the way.

You are not special don’t ban my words.

Publicly grieving for my father’s deaths

I got a call, it must have been 2 am or later. “Daddy passed away” the voice said. I was told to immediately leave for Bombay. This was 18th Feb 1999.

I along with my 6 month pregnant wife drove 420 kms to Mumbai. I had to take more than 5 breaks to use the loo during this 10 hour drive. My bowels were emptying. There were no tears. I guess diarrhoea is a kind of crying too. Ofcourse if I had cried I wouldn’t have been able to drive.

Reaching Mumbai and seeing my Dad’s dead body. I felt numb. It was surreal. I mentally couldn’t believe he was dead. I was 26 and it was probably the first dead body I was seeing.

Just before lighting the fire, I had a crazy thought, what if he was just in deep sleep or some sort of temporary coma. I ridiculed my mind and lit the funeral pyre. Now even if he was alive he had no chance of coming back I thought.

Still I couldn’t cry. I wondered, what was numbing me so much. All I could think was about the factory and the salary I needed to pay.

In a few days leaving my pregnant wife at her parents I was in a train with a few lacs of cash to give salary to the workers.

I am back to mumbai, finally having paid the workers. I take a bath, and looking at myself in the mirror on the bathroom. I break down and cry. It was a private grieving. I wondered what took me so many days to break down and cry. I rub it off. But am glad, I am no so numb anymore.

How to not marry a psychopath or a sociopath

Before you marry, you need to first tick off these 2 lists for sure. Your Prince Charming or Daddy’s princess might turn out to be a psychopath or a sociopath.

The reason for writing this post is I just clearly understood the distinction between a psychopath, a sociopath and a narcissist.

Empathy

So it all boils down to empathy. Empathy is literally putting yourself in other peoples shoes. The problem with empathy is unless you don’t understand other people pain you cannot be empathetic. That is this reason most teenagers are cruel. You see the most non-physical violence in the teen and the young.

Parents play a big role

It is up to the parent to teach their wards empathy. As the children grow up and become adults they will from their experience learn empathy.

what is the different between the three?

A ) A narcissist is someone who cares about only himself. But he doesn’t want to hurt anyone.

B) A sociopath is someone who due to improper upbringing or his peers has no sense of empathy.

C) A Psychopath is someone who has a genetic issue. There is something missing in the part of the brain where empathy lights up. They are almost incurable.

Hope the title of this blogpost didn’t scare you.

Dating Advise

Now don’t you wish your grand mother or Grand father has given you some dating advise earlier in your life and you could have completely avoided some bad relationships.

Here is some from the podcast I recently heard. These are the 6 filters to know what kind of person you are dating. Not being in sync with either one of them means friction.

In my first relationship I think I was not in sync with 4/6, in my second big relationship I was not in sync with 3/6 and in my third again 3/6.

The maximum risk for not aligning with these filters is 2. So If you are not aligned with your partner in more than 2 of these qualities, it better to do a rain check. This is all better explained in the podcast here https://castro.fm/episode/wbKgqH

  1. Mind – you have comparable degree of intelligence.
  2. Money – Same sense of money and same goals.
  3. Morals – values/virtues.
  4. Manners – Same idea of what is right.
  5. Monogamy – Same idea of what relationships is.
  6. Marx brothers – Same sense of humour.

Happy Dating!!!

The 4 things everyone aspires for but cannot have it all.

  1. Family
  2. Friends
  3. Sleep
  4. Money

These first 3 things are tied to Money and time. The horrible diagram below will explain.

Case 1 – If you have no time and no money. You have nada. You don’t have friends or family and your sleep is fucked up.

Case 2 – If you have money and no time , you can have your family, but say bye bye to any social life with friends. You work 9 to 5 for your family and to pay your children’s fees.

Case 3 – You have no money , but plenty of time, you sleep well Sir.

Case 4 – You have lot of friends and a beautiful family. But you ain’t getting any sleep.

The best case scenario is where you get any 2 some part of the time. Which is the one you are willing to sacrifice ?

Blame Yourself Always

You know this is the simplest rule to remember, but we all forget it.

Let me explain

We all depend on others. We cannot survive in this world on our own. Sometimes the people we trust let us down. They might be doing it to protect themselves, but your interests are getting harmed. You are feeling betrayed.

In this case, the mind like a old tape recorder on a loop, will start the never ending blame game. The mind has taken over your being. You are no longer in control. You wish the other person ill. You wish the other person goes out of your life. You want to end this relationship ASAP.

Take Back the control from your mind.

If you are lucky to be aware in these moments of blame game. You need to tell yourself, that “I wont blame the other person”. I will blame myself for all that is happening between the other person and me. You are now the master.

You can now act, you can change your attitude. You can get more and more control over this other person who you think is affecting your life.

You need to blame yourself for

  1. Selecting this person out of poor judgement.
  2. Not communicating well with the person
  3. Not understanding the type and Psyche of the person.

The list can go on….

Be a mortal and blame yourself. Life is much better this way.

 

I figured out Why the single girl has so much energy.

I get tired all the time. I wake up tired when I don’t sleep well. I wake up tired when I have tummy ache. I wake up tired when I had too much to think.

Single girls are feeling emancipated. The #metoo moment along with wide protest against rapes have made her strong. But these are macro level environmental changes in the lives of the single women. But where does she get her day to day energy from ?

Here is a story of a single girl

Disclaimer : – I don’t know her name? I will barely recognise her face if I see her. But I feel her energy and I don’t like it. Maybe I am jealous of her life.

She hardly sleeps? She steps out of the house to party when I am in my bed trying to sleep. She comes home at 4 am. If she is home she is banging the door till 3 am or her lover is knocking the door. She loves passionately. But when the romance seems to be dying, she accuses her lover of secretly talking to other girls on social network. She fights more ferociously than she loves. But she has a big heart. She forgives also.

What has lately took over my thinking is – Why does this single girl has so much energy? Where does she derive her power from ?

Alas! Today I has an Eureka moment –

Our Brain takes up 20% of the energy. So If you don’t use your brain, you could use that extra 20% of energy. Now that explains why the single girl has so much energy, isn’t it ?

Relationships on Rent.

One of the biggest worry a man has is that if he ever runs out of money, his woman will leave him (or he will have to leave her). Being together is a costly exercise, while one works the other takes care of the social and other aspects of the life. If both man and woman are working even then the responsibilities of social and administrative work is divided. A marriage or making a home together is like building a brand and we all know that making brands costs lots of money. A good branded family has social status and respect in the society than the bad brand family with maybe a alcoholic husband.

Rent Economy

Millennials don’t like to own cars. We have the new shared billion dollar business models like Uber, Airbnb etc.

What these shared assets for hire give you is happiness and convenience. They are available when you need them.

Relationship is another asset, if used wisely it can be a source of happiness and enrichment. In todays precarious times we don’t know, how long we can manage to fund our children’s education or their demands for material goods.

If one is not able to have a full time family can one rent it for Sunday lunches?

The Japanese way

I read in Japan, you can hire people who will pretend to be your friend and spend time with you. All we want is someone who is available to us when we need to talk, isn’t it? Then why do we end up in long term committed relationship? There is also no guarantee that a long term relationship will last forever. Children will grow up, get married and have their own life to take care. A spouse might leave you for heavens for a better place.

The Indian way

The Indian middle class is preoccupied with their bourgeois needs. If there has to be any disruption in the institution or the brand of relationships it will come from the fringe. The outliers, who got busy working and never married. The enemies of the institution of marriage today is social media, cellphone and career.

What about the LGBT people who cannot get married ? They are seeking for equal rights, they are fighting for a place in the society which they don’t like. Will they innovate and disrupt traditional relationships?

Will we see a new social structure emerge and be a alternative to the traditional relationships. What would the brand be called ? How about RnB (Relationships ’n’ brotherhood Co.)

My Bodyguard

I am not telling you the story of some Whitney Houston movie. This is my story. At the peak of my ego trip, someone suggested that I need to hire a bodyguard. Completely over estimating my importance in the world affairs I thought it was a good idea. I was given a guy who had worked for 15 years in the Military. He came in recommended and so there was no reason not to trust him.

I always wanted a brother to work along side. Even though he was hefty 6 footer compared to thin me. I took him under my wings. He was always with me, he travelled with me and we ate together.

I loved our camaraderie. I felt a big support system, I got addicted to his presence. I was the brain he was the brawn. I got him a house and gave him a car too. It was a dream come true for him. He got his wife and kids moved in to the house.

Things started going bad.

Now with his new found status, he started boasting about his new luck to his friends and family. He had become ambitious, he was privy to information and part of the company management. He conspired to wrestle power.

I had to take some divine help. He had to pack his bag overnight and scoot away with his family. I never saw him again.

What began as a journey of 2 brothers ended up in a power struggle and the end of companionship.

The Economics of Relationships

I met this lady one day, I owed her money. She was not pushing me, she saw I was in pain. I told her about my problems about my recent relationship breakup. The worldly lady told me something which I find even today hard to digest.

She told me that “she left you because you have no money left”. This statement hit me hard. I thought I was a bad ass, I screwed around and she left me.

I mean do people who love each other leave just because one of them is out of money? Are we so weak, can we not get down together and get enough to eat?

Then there was this another girl, I had a solid crush on her. She said “women want money”. I was aghast, why would a Independent rich woman like her say such a nasty thing ? Isn’t she making enough to feed herself and a few others.

Then there is this old retired lady. Her earning children want her to sell her house and give them the money. The children want the parents to go to their village, while they buy a new house and get their privacy.

In a crowded family everyone is cannibalising each other. How do we live and let live?

The world inside your head

She came, he saw , she conquered. There was something about her. The clothes she was wearing. They were of such good taste. The big necklace aroung her neck and her glowing bare skin. He could see that the length of her dress was of the right length. Atleast as per his standards. Too short and he would have thought she is loose, and too long he would have labelled her as Bahenji.

The design of the necklace was very intriguing. He kept looking at it, trying to read some cryptic message. It was like one of those abstract peices of art which makes one stare at it and come up with thousand’s of explanation. A abstract peice of art is like a portal to your unknown hidden and dark tendencies.

Her skin was glistening like polished metal. The light bouncing off her skin, attracting his gaze. There was a sudden gush of lust. Embarrassed as there were atleast a 100 people in the room, he decided to distract his mind off. There was pani poori but he wasn’t interested.

He only wanted to know, who was she, what was her name and what was her telephone number? He thought he was too old to chase a young girl. He knew only women bothered to shower him affection, only a women had the capacity to love him. Why would a girl ever commit a blunder of getting aquainted with him ?

It was one of those attractions when two absolute strangers on a busy street look deep into each others eyes like they want to get in bed tonight. In this case the eyes never met. He shoved off the idea in to the recesses of his mind. It seemed liked one of the days when his loneliness harmone was over reacting to a stimuli.

But the mind is its own boss.

He comes home, he imagines his wife is that girl. He completely replaces in his mind, his earlier ideas about his wife. He even tells his wife that he wants to give her a new name. He wants to revive the marriage which has gone old.

He wants romance, he wants lust. His wife’s friends get replaced by some random friends of the girl. All from his imagination. Life is no longer dull for him. He waits to get home. He takes out his wife for dinner and vacations. He talks to her and wants to know everything about her.

People no longer feel sad for him. They feel reassured that he has over come the tragedy of his young wife’s death.

They live Happily ever after.

Photo by Chris Barbalis on Unsplash

Our Dream Valentine Date

We went on a dream date yesterday. Our date was as boring as I had always imagined.

I dream our life as boring as possible. It includes all our dates also. I know if we keep having many more dream dates, our relationship would end in a matter of weeks if not months. But boring dates, makes the time stand still. I can remember your bored face looking up to me. You were thinking why can’t this guy be a bit creative, right?

Flamboyance jars my senses. Life passes so fast, I want our dates to be as slow as they can be.

Hey, but at least I agreed to watch the Hindi movie for you. You know, how much I hate Bollywood ? That movie was sheer torture. You do BDSM swell. I felt I was tied to my seat in the theatre, and wanted to get out and run away. But you whispered that I should stay. Your disapproving eyes assured me that the ordeal would end soon.

Next Year, Lets just walk the streets for 3 hours instead of a Bollywood movie.

Story on mental health

One day as I came home from school, I found my mother was sitting on the window ledge in our 3rd floor apartment block. She was pissed drunk. She was wearing a nightie.

That day must have been the most embarrassing day of my life. The entire Goregaon East, now knew I was her son. I must have been 7/8 year old. She was a chronic alcoholic, she would usually drink, eat her fish curry and rice and try to sleep. She would be muttering incoherent stuff while lying on the diwan the entire day. She might or might not, try to sober up before Dad came home.

I have never understood till date if my mother was a schizophrenic or hopping mad with my Dad for cheating on her. This was her way of doing a revenge. All the wonderful imported cars he bought only got him the respect upfront. I suspect people talked nasty things about him behind his back.

JJ Hospital did certify her schizophrenic, and my father was granted a divorce. Somehow in my heart I don’t want to beleive it. My father is no more, but I want to be mother’s lawyer and defend her case.

Next hearing date ….