Publicly grieving for my father’s deaths

I got a call, it must have been 2 am or later. “Daddy passed away” the voice said. I was told to immediately leave for Bombay. This was 18th Feb 1999.

I along with my 6 month pregnant wife drove 420 kms to Mumbai. I had to take more than 5 breaks to use the loo during this 10 hour drive. My bowels were emptying. There were no tears. I guess diarrhoea is a kind of crying too. Ofcourse if I had cried I wouldn’t have been able to drive.

Reaching Mumbai and seeing my Dad’s dead body. I felt numb. It was surreal. I mentally couldn’t believe he was dead. I was 26 and it was probably the first dead body I was seeing.

Just before lighting the fire, I had a crazy thought, what if he was just in deep sleep or some sort of temporary coma. I ridiculed my mind and lit the funeral pyre. Now even if he was alive he had no chance of coming back I thought.

Still I couldn’t cry. I wondered, what was numbing me so much. All I could think was about the factory and the salary I needed to pay.

In a few days leaving my pregnant wife at her parents I was in a train with a few lacs of cash to give salary to the workers.

I am back to mumbai, finally having paid the workers. I take a bath, and looking at myself in the mirror on the bathroom. I break down and cry. It was a private grieving. I wondered what took me so many days to break down and cry. I rub it off. But am glad, I am no so numb anymore.

How to not marry a psychopath or a sociopath

Before you marry, you need to first tick off these 2 lists for sure. Your Prince Charming or Daddy’s princess might turn out to be a psychopath or a sociopath.

The reason for writing this post is I just clearly understood the distinction between a psychopath, a sociopath and a narcissist.

Empathy

So it all boils down to empathy. Empathy is literally putting yourself in other peoples shoes. The problem with empathy is unless you don’t understand other people pain you cannot be empathetic. That is this reason most teenagers are cruel. You see the most non-physical violence in the teen and the young.

Parents play a big role

It is up to the parent to teach their wards empathy. As the children grow up and become adults they will from their experience learn empathy.

what is the different between the three?

A ) A narcissist is someone who cares about only himself. But he doesn’t want to hurt anyone.

B) A sociopath is someone who due to improper upbringing or his peers has no sense of empathy.

C) A Psychopath is someone who has a genetic issue. There is something missing in the part of the brain where empathy lights up. They are almost incurable.

Hope the title of this blogpost didn’t scare you.

Betrayal dynamics

Yesterday I had an epiphany. I have a crazy paranoia of betrayal.

Betrayal is just about the person who tells you, that he/she loves you, actually loves someone more than you. It’s a subtle change and sometime sudden change of attention dynamics.

You were the apple of your mom’s eye, and then suddenly a baby is born in the family. You feel betrayed. Now is it your moms fault that the baby is adorable?

Adultery, is a kind of similar betrayal. Well, now he/she finds someone cuter and more loving than you. Simple as it may sound. I am just not able to handle this betrayal.

So I put up a condition, if you are going to betray me, tell me about it. In this way, I just don’t get taken up by a nasty unpleasant surprise.

There are some people who will leave the sinking boat, but I want them to sink with me. This is crazier than the titanic gets. So I am a difficult man…

Need for closure? Are you sure?

Complexities in life increase directly in proportion to increase in one’s age. As we grow old we have more and more things to manage to take care of. We have impacted more people in both good and bad ways. We have started some things we feel we haven’t closed up or taken care of. We feel responsible or rather irresponsible for the same.

We want closure to these things which we started rather in complete unawareness or in rather knowing state, whatever the reason be, the relationship, or the project which is not working, it’s a failure, its a embellishment, it bothers the hell out of you, because one cannot see any positive, affirming outcomes from the same. We all want to close that bad abusive relationship, or bad financial habits, or any habit or person who is of bad influence.

Yet, there are some relationships which cannot get easy closure, the pain is too deep or the love is too strong. I am not talking about relationship per se, material things like money also. The harder you try to tell yourself, money is not important, the more it comes back and tells you “See, my importance?”.

I also realise, that the things which you haven’t found a closure to yet, are precisely the things that make you live. I realise I am living my life for these things which are not perfect or for which i feel responsible.

Its a dichotomy, the things which hurt you cause you pain, make you feel like a incompetent, unworthy person are the same things which drive you.

I guess I am not talking sense or i am not able to explain this conflict between the need for closure and the need to “not close it” because it is the reason for your living.

Somethings have no closure, and something’s we deliberately don’t prefer to close it.

Saas, Bahu aur Damad

One of the most abused relationships is Son in law (SIL) and Daughter in law (DIL) relationship. Sometime’s we love someone because it fulfills one of our wants or needs. We love someone because it fits the hole in ourselves, and we feel complete.

But soon the round peg turns square and it no longer fits in and there is anger and resentment.

We have been cheated, when we loved that new person, it was expected to fill in the vacuum in our hearts and in our lives. Someone has reneged on their promises. 

The same love turns in to anger, resentment and estrangement, and most successful victim of this kind of conditional love are our beloved SIL and DIL. We love our SIL/DIL because they take the shit dished out by our Sons/daughters , they are there to feed and wash and look after our Sons/daughters children, or to facilitate the earning by being a Double Income family. As long as this happens the Saas & Sasur love their SIL/DIL’s.

Its no wonder that TV serials have capitalised on this abused relationship, by feeding in to the insecurities of these SIL/DIL and made so much money.

Its time we love SIL/DIL for what they are and who they are, and not merely because they suit the role of the perfecto Bahu and Damad. 

Lets stop this nonsense on TV!!!! 

Keep all the people who you love close to you!!

This must be one of the most primitive and essential human needs. The need to have all the people who love you and who you love, close to you. 

This must be the reason why people marry each other, have kids together, so the bond is difficult to break off! This is the reason why a father wants his son to manage their family business. This is also the reason why people want to marry their sons and daughter in the same community or caste.

Every relationship then becomes a win-win deal. A husband expects a wife to do her bit, wife expects a husband to be a good provider. Children are expected to marry the right girl/boy and make parents proud. I have difficulty following these rules of the society. 

It does make the community stronger, the family stronger, but sometimes it stifles the individual, does it?

Well I have been scheming now, I want to keep people I love close to me, I want to create such give and take relationships. But I have nothing to give, I can only take.

Who would want such a deal. What do I put up on the table?? I don’t belong to any caste or community, I dont belong to any religious/political/business groups. I am not a businessman/father/husband/ or a son. 

These questions are bothering my mind!!!

Of relationships and relating.

When I mean relationships, I mean the entire spectrum of relationships. They may be extended family, parents, children, brothers, sisters or even friends or work colleagues.  They can also be (not necessarily) your staff or the people you work for. I would say they are the one, who you take responsibility to care and to love, no matter what. It’s a bond which is made in heaven.

Most of the time I have seen that one does not relate to these people who we are in a relationship with. Take the case of parents not understanding their children, or siblings not getting along, or children as they grow up wanting to spend more and more time with their friends or with themselves. All these are examples are of not relating, but they are still in a relationship. Another example can be of married couples who don’t find themselves romantically relating and would rather be with some Mr. X or Miss/Mrs Y.

But again there are other types of relationships we form, eg with friends or at work. Sometimes with some friends particularly old friends where you have stopped relating with the person but still care for him/her. Or sometimes when you know your particular employee is not working well and doesn’t understand your vision, but you still don’t sack that person. It’s again a relationship!

Relationships require time and understanding and complete unconditional love.

Relating is basically a common interest or passion where being together is fun. You can relate to that person as long as this common interest/need is there. There is no long term involvement like a relationship

Some examples are, when two people meet and it sometimes happens that the other person is completing your sentences or when you are so bonding with the person because he/she understands your passion. It can also be that awesome sexual chemistry between two people, where you are inspired to exchange numbers, and meet up. It can also be the immense faith you put in your idols (like say film stars or cricketers) cause they fill that void or inspire you. All these are instances of relating. You can again relate to a person cause you belong to the same culture or caste(religion) or speak the same language.

I have always given more importance to relating rather that to relationships. As a consequence I haven’t  so many successful relationships. Recently I met a old friend, who said I was not picking up my phone when he was in desperate need of a friend, when he was completely broke and had to sell of his car and his property. I didn’t pick up the phone, cause I thought I had stopped relating to this old friend. I felt sorry I was not there for him. I realized I have a relationship with him, though I don’t find his talks exciting or interesting, I still love him.

I am wondering why isn’t it possible to love every one unconditionally, why can’t we love other people’s children as much as we love our children. Why do we have to pick up only these few people to love. Sometimes loving one person means not taking care of the interests of the other person, and this has been the reason for all the bloody wars and ruthless competition. We don’t want our children to suffer, we want our wife to have enough jewelry so the neighbors can envy her, don’t we? We want to gift our loved ones with most expensive gifts or lifestyle, that we will do practically everything and anything for it, wont we?

I can only guess a answer here, I suppose we are meant to adhere to some laws of nature and have an capacity or karma towards only a few people(who we are having relationships with), hence we have to choose carefully whom to love and how much time and energy we can give towards nurturing these relationship.

So this all comes to a point, is relating as important as relationships? My answer for now is relationships are more important only if you can give time, otherwise stick to relating J . And since time is scarcest of all the resource, let’s say cheers to a less & less relationship based society, Let’s all just rejoice and relate!